I call it a flare up.
I’m sure there is a medical name for it but for our lives that is what we call it.
It had been a long time coming.
She has been doing so well. In fact it’s been over a year.
I could see it bubbling to the surface over the summer. Little glimpses of it.
Showing its face here and there.
When it finally surfaced this weekend I wasn’t surprised and then I was.
I’ve learned there is never a good time for a flare up and I have no control over it.
I wondered when she took the ice if she was going to make it through her free skate program.
( She did and placed fourth!)
Earlier in the morning I was worried as I watched her practice.
I can’t put it into words what happens when your child has an anxiety attack.
It’s heartbreaking to watch and no matter what you say or do it doesn’t soothe the anxiety away.
All you can do is be there, with them.
At first glance a mom or a parent can blame themselves when it happens.
We can wonder what we did wrong or where we went wrong.
A flare up can feel like a failure.
It can eat away at us and if we aren’t careful we can let guilt set in.
But we shouldn’t.
My oldest suffers from severe asthma.
Whenever she has a flare up I never once feel guilty as a mom.
I never question where I might have made mistakes along the way.
I call the Dr. and we go through what is working and what isn’t.
Why then when our kids suffer from anxiety or depression or anything else do we go there.
To the place that we blame and we judge our parenting skills and feel ashamed?
I look at anxiety flare ups not as a failure but as a way to slow down and to listen.
To take time to regroup and see what isn’t working and what is.
To ask for help and call the Dr.
And to let her know that she is amazing– anxiety and all.
I am not sure if anxiety or asthma is something they will grow out of.
Or it will be the thing they will have to manage all their lives.
But I do know that we will be here for them through it all.
We will hold their hands and sit with them.
I don’t have the answers to any of this but for now this is where we are…